The goodness of God

There is a song, "Goodness of God" by Jenn Johnson that I play over and over on Spotify. The lyrics sing to and soothe my soul:

I love Your voice:

You have led me through the fire,

and in darkest night you are close like no other.

I've known you as a Father,

I've known you as a Friend,

And I have lived in the goodness of God.

My one and only post of 2018, in January, declared that family and faith would make it an amazing year. How overly confident and presumptuous, because in many ways, 2018 was an absolute disaster. Then again, it was a triumph in how God showed His goodness to me. 

In April 2018 I suddenly entered a series of scary, painful, and life-threatening health issues. From a kidney stone, to septic shock due to medical negligence, to an infected knee requiring surgery to flush it and 21 stitches to close it, I endured a physically miserable summer. The unknown world of home health care, the E.R. and I.C.U., infectious disease doctors, orthopedic surgeons, physical therapy, and prescription meds became the norm. I had no energy, no appetite (except for coconut cream pie!), no focus for reading, and a lousy attitude. Bill and Katie took over all my household tasks, the family I work for showed grace as I healed, and our extended and church family supported us. I absolutely hated being so dependent.

The spring and summer days slid by and bed became my retreat from constant pain, from the reminders of my limitations. Every step, every turn of my body, even standing to make eggs and toast, were reminders of my weakness. Some days it took me to a dark place of self-pity.

To add insult to all the injuries, the avalanche of medical bills began. Because of the nature of my insurance and the fact of several hospital stays, doctors, and surgeons, we were soon tangled in an indecipherable web of bills, statements, and phone calls that took a full ten months to completely sort out. It was, truly, almost worse than all the physical healing.

And yet. Now, with almost all of it behind us, I see much more clearly. Could God have prevented the sepsis? Yes, I believe He could. Instead, He used it as an opportunity to draw my family and me closer to Him. God doesn't "give us only what we can handle," quite the opposite. He allows trials that we cannot handle, that are far too big and hard and painful for us, so that He will be shown strong in our very weakness. 

I had a 50% chance of living or dying that April weekend and only now, more than a year later, do I see the goodness of God in sparing me. I've always been a stubborn rebel at heart, self-sufficient and for many years not thinking I needed God. "Thanks, God, but I've got this." Well I didn't have it last year, and in my darkest moments I realized it with clarity. Not only did I need a physical rescue, I needed a spiritual rescue as well. 

'Cause your goodness is running after, it's running after me.

With my life laid down, I'm surrendered now, I give you everything.

I had no choice but to give God everything. The pain, the fear, the depression, the mounting bills. It was so very hard, but it was so good. His goodness ran after me and showed me His big love through a big rescue. Is life perfect? No. We are still stumbling financially a bit, and I will probably never chase my grandchildren like I used to. But in that, a greater good has come: eyes to see God's goodness. 

And all my life You have been faithful.

And all my life You have been so, so good.

With every breath that I am able,

oh I will sing of the goodness of God!

Had I succumbed to sepsis, would God still be good? Why do children die and mothers get cancer? Why did my friend's teen desert her family? Where is God when Alzheimer's derails retirement plans? Even the most faith-filled cannot know. But in the book of James, we are told to "Consider it joy [JOY!] when you face trials ... because the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work  so that you may be mature and complete ..." [That is, complete in Christ.] (James 1:2-4) WOW I go back to this passage time and again. So much there.

I sense a quiet stirring in my spirit. I am almost 65 (yay, Medicare!) and I think God has more for me. I am excited for what lies ahead.  

Even if tomorrow is my last day, I have seen the goodness of God. And it is enough.

Ten little Indians! Now there are 11, since the arrival of Jude William last month.
L to R: Jake, Ari, Noah, Ethan, Peter, Jordan, Lily, Maddie, Ashlyn, and
I'm holding Simon.  (Photo by Katie Haller)

changes

Where there is a thankful spirit, there is joy.

Oh dear, what in the world?? My blog posts have played hide-and-go-seek these many months. Can't tell you how many times I've printed in all CAPS on my to do lists: BLOG, to no avail. Gah!!

I continue to write for Heart of Ohio Magazine. The kind folks there kept me on board. Check out our beautiful magazine! Better yet, treat yourself to a subscription!

This week I'll make a stab back here on the blog. It's spring break from my school job. I appreciate you readers who have asked or said you miss my posts.

The past year has been amazing, in good ways and hard. How can anyone know exactly how a big life move will play out? Living in the same city as half our family is wonderful, as imagined. And living more central to all the kids proves the move from Ohio to North Carolina was right. We've made trips to Florida and Virginia (kids and grandkids both directions) and of course spend time with the kids/grandkids here.



Thanksgiving weekend 2016



I LOVE the weather in North Carolina. Spring comes with the calendar, none of that snow in April nonsense! We have a lovely front porch, perfect for morning coffee and afternoon reading. Hot summers, yes, but in college I lived in tents at Girl Scout camps in Tennessee and Florida ... THAT was hot. We can take day trips to the Blue Ridge Parkway and breathe in the mountains. Spectacular.

What I didn't fully anticipate was the difficulty of adjusting to a large, new city (even though we'd visited Dan and Jenny here for eight years, I didn't really learn the city), where to shop, friends, church, routines, and well, just EVERYTHING changed. At our age it's just harder than when you're young or have kids around to light your fire.

I spent a few months seeking part-time jobs and finally landed one which began after Thanksgiving. That's what seems to have anchored me a bit. I'm a reading tutor in a public elementary school and while learning all the pieces of the job was a challenge, the stretching has been so, so good. I work with some amazing women who are passionate about helping kids read, write and understand better. I love being part of a little army of encouragers to some kids who need it.

We've had some houseguests throughout the year: friends and family stopping over on trips north or south. Fun!

If there's one thing I'd do differently as a wife/mother/woman, it would have been to keep up a career of some sort. Yes, God makes my way but I believe He has something more beyond mothering and grandmothering and at this age it was extremely hard to find a niche where I can use my gifts.

Our quiver continues to fill: grandchild #8 is due in June (Mark and Jill's fourth) and #9 in September (David and Chelsea's first)! I'm excited to have the summer off for a change of pace although I doubt the pace will slow down. And really? I don't want to slow down because at my age I may not get moving again!

So that's where I am. Bill is driving for Uber and he's amazing at it! He needs to keep a journal because he comes home with hilarious and interesting stories from the road.

 

Perhaps the best lessons the past year have come through the hardships. I've learned gratefulness in the very hardest things because that's when I stretch, grow, and lean more on God and His faithfulness.

 

Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is

God's will for you in Christ Jesus. 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

 

 

crazy, happy, hard

Here's what I've been doing: I'm spending the afternoon on our back porch, working on a magazine article. After our brutal winter, the sun and wind and daffodils under the pines are like heaven.

At this moment my life is crazy, happy and hard. So much has happened since Thanksgiving. And I thank HIM, the God of universe for all of it, hard as it is to walk with the hard stuff.

We learned that we get our tongue-in-cheek hope for another baby in 2015. (Four generations of us born in '5' years) And we get TWO, due five days apart in early June! I think they're both boys. We'll see when they come because neither mom is finding out her baby's gender. Love, love that!

Bills' mom Elizabeth, 98, had a nasty fall on Christmas day, another hospital visit on my birthday in early January, and entered Hospice care. We thought we'd lose her within weeks but she rallied and has had ups and downs since then but seems stable. It's an emotional and physical journey for those who love her and particularly Bill and his brother Bob, who visit her every day. Which goes to show, it is God who numbers our days. Not doctors, not hospice. I invite you to pray for Elizabeth's comfort and peace.

I've had a fun little part-time job for about 18 months ... I'm a mother's helper to a family with six children ages 3-17 and their mother Noelle homeschools every one of them. Some think I'm crazy, but my time there is a blessing to me, especially in the midst of Elizabeth's decline. In their home is life and love and NOISE and music (lots of piano) and laughter and I love it. It's a little trip back in time.

In February our oldest son, David, proposed to his girlfriend Chelsea. (last post) And since they live two hours apart and are just crazy about each other, it won't be a long engagement. In July we will trek to Florida for their wedding! The other boys' weddings were local, so this is different in many ways. Lots of texts, phone calls, questions and answers, and really, getting to know Chelsea better at a distance. I couldn't be more blessed by my daughters-in-love!

Our Michigan cabin is back on the market and we are talking more and more about moving south when the time seems right. It's been a decision long in the making and ya know how when you make a decision you just want to get on with it? I battle impatience and resting in God's timing. But faith is trusting God even when we don't see what we want, when we want it.

And that is what I pursue and rest in, day after day.

I take you

It's true, I've been away from writing for a bit. It's hard not to write: blogging now feels like my part-time job, one that I love. But with only one thing on my mind lately, I waited for the right time to write.

It’s been about six weeks since Bill and I first stepped into an orthopedic surgeon’s office. What a ride. Over the years, Bill’s walking and balance have become increasingly difficult. Walking the dog with me: too tiring. Walking through a mall or a one-mile hike: impossible. His legs just won’t move fluidly.

And so we decided to find out what's going on. The x-rays and MRI's revealed some sobering facts. Bill has a lot of arthritis up and down his spine. And while most of his pain is in his lower back, the most serious issue is in his neck, where arthritis is pressing in on his spinal cord. He also has a number of discs that need repair.

On Tuesday, April 16, Bill will undergo a two-part surgery to fix these problems. There’s no guarantee that he'll be pain-free or that he’ll regain complete mobility. But according to our surgeon, this condition is degenerative. It will only worsen, and must be addressed soon.

We’ve been told to expect three nights in the hospital, up to two weeks in a rehab facility, then home. He’ll have to wear a collar as the fusions heal and grow. No driving during that time.

Those are the basic facts of the situation. Bill is logical, methodical. I can’t know completely how he's processing this, but he definitely thinks things through. Being the deeply “feeling” one, I’m definitely experiencing a jumble of emotions.

It’s not a routine, simple surgery. Though I'm feeling a peace about it, I'm also nervous.

I’m angry at times. That we have to go through this, and that Bill doesn’t seem tuned in to what I’m going through.

Then I’m ashamed, too. That I focus on myself rather than Bill, who is the one facing the hard work of recuperation!

I’ve felt mentally exhausted. There are the what-ifs, updating friends and family, the pre-surgery details, the post-surgery care, and initially waiting for Bill to decide whether to have the surgery at all.

But I am thankful. Thankful that this is our first major health issue in all our married life. Thankful we live in a time and place that affords us accessibility to skilled surgeons and advanced medicine. Seeing the MRI was amazing! Thankful for an incredible group of family, neighbors, friends, and church family who are standing by to help. Thankful that two of our children will be here for the surgery.

I choose to trust in the Great Physician, the same God who reassured Joshua as he succeeded Moses in bringing the Israelites to Canaan. I choose to trust in God's promise that he’ll never leave us. And I choose to be strong and love the husband I took 35 years ago, in sickness and in health. And when I feel weak and scared, I’ll trust God and do the next thing, as Oswald Chambers says. Just do the next thing. (After all, feelings are so unreliable, says Elisabeth Elliot.)

As we prepare and work out some details leading up to the surgery, I will blog as I can.

Thanks for your love, prayers and support. So very thankful for you!

Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous.

Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged,

for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.

Joshua 1:9

why pray?

When you ask [God], you do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives,

that you may spend what you get on your pleasures. James 4:3

On Tuesday mornings, I head to church and study the book of James with about 25 other women. I love it! Oh, boy, James offers so much wisdom and challenge.

So yesterday I posted James 4:3 on facebook and found myself in a discussion. Someone in our Tuesday study asked, based on this passage, why doesn't God say 'yes' to requests that we believe are heart-felt. She was honestly asking for an explanation. So I plunged in. In the end, I ended up examining myself. Here's what I said:

I will try, Erika. But only God can answer rightly! Though we might be heart-felt in our prayers and requests, ultimately it's God's call on how He answers. Being human, my mind is finite and my understanding limited. Just like our kids who ask us for things they think are best for them, as parents we usually know (big picture) what's best and what's not. That might lead us to think, why pray at all, if God has made up His mind? I still struggle with that. But I do think prayer links our hearts to God and helps us, in our weakness, to rely on Him more fully by strengthening our relationship with Him.

Thirty-four years ago, I prayed for my mother to survive cancer. My prayers weren't answered. You can believe there was some fist-shaking at God. How could my heart have been more pure, wanting my mother to live? Now, I think I see a part of God's purpose in it. Ultimately, I submitted to and trusted Him more. God became my go-to guy in raising children because I didn't have the person I would have turned to. Hebrews 11:1 defines faith: "sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see." I think too often, we are faithful only in what we can see. An oxymoron, ya know?

"...he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged." Deuteronomy 31:7-8

Oh, I want to be faithful. I used to think it was a weakness, to have faith. Now I think it takes strength of will and perseverance, trusting God in all things, with all situations, at all times .... knowing He sees the big picture of our lives. I can be sure of what I hope for, certain of what I cannot see.

the purpose of life

There's been quite a bit going on with us. The sudden move of Mark, Jill and Lily, keeping tabs on our ailing parents, the college graduation of our youngest, Katie, and helping her to figure out what's next. And she might be moving, too. You might say it's thrown me off kilter a bit.

I'd gotten away from reading My Utmost for His Highest by Oswald Chambers, but I've picked it up again this week. Like root beer, there seem to be two camps regarding Oswald Chambers. He just doesn't "grab" the one group, but the other group is madly in love with his thoughts and meditations. I fall into the latter group. (Though I'm in the first group when it comes to root beer. Ha.)

Oswald Chambers was a powerful Bible teacher who lectured 100 years ago in his native Great Britain and abroad. Following his sudden death in 1917, his wife Biddy gathered his notes and lectures and compiled them into what became My Utmost for His Highest, published in 1927.

Chambers writings aren't scripture. But they incorporate scripture and interpret its precepts in challenging meditations. In this season of changes, I need to keep focused on God's ultimate purpose for me. From September 1, Chambers writes:

We must continually remind ourselves of the purpose of life. We are not destined to happiness, nor to health, but to holiness. (Not a popular concept, would you agree?) Today we have far too many desires and interests, and our lives are being consumed and wasted by them.  Many of them may be right, noble , and good, and may later be fulfilled, but in the meantime God must cause their importance to us to decrease.  The only thing that truly matters is whether a person will accept the God who will make him holy. At all costs, a person must have the right relationship with God.  "...it is written, 'be holy for I am holy.'" 1 Peter 1:16

So I need not be concerned about happiness or health or earthly desires, but instead drawing close to God and desiring what he desires. As I get closer to that end, everything will fall into place. In the meantime, the road may be bumpy. But God didn't promise a problem-free life. Just an amazing life in his love and care. Hallelujah!

fly

In over 30 years, the only time I saw my mother-in-law cry 

was the night we moved away from her.

She cried as she said good-bye to my small sons in their bunk bed.

Her emotions took me by surprise. 

But now one of those sons is moving away with his family.

And I know.

I feel the impending ache of empty arms 

as a tall, strong son leaves to make a better life for his family. 

And I cry with sadness and wonder over the love that

knits the hearts of my daughter-in-love and me.

  

In church on Sunday I nuzzled my lips across Lily's warm, fuzzy head,

brushing her little bit of silken hair.

And I prayed.

I prayed for strength for the coming separation.

I prayed to have trust in God's promise to always care for us.

I asked for a confidence to push away my doubts, desires and emotions
and simply let God be God and do His thing.

It is the right thing to do, and what choice do I have?
But it's oh so hard.

Because I hate letting them go.
And letting go is a matter not of the heart, but the will.
I am at times a weak believer,
not strong in the ways of God. 

Then.
I remember the promise made to myself.
That I will not put selfish desires before the needs of my growing children.
When I sense they need to learn, I'll let them find a way.
When they need to try, I'll stand back.
When a failure will teach them, I'll allow them to fall.
When they seek God, I will not undermine their obedience to Him.
When I see Him working in their lives, I will thank Him.
And when they need to move away,
I'll stand aside
and encourage them to fly.
By God's grace, I will release them
so they can fly.

We know that all things work together for good
to those who love God.
Romans 8:28

The goal of faithfulness is not that we will do work for God,
but that He will be free to do His work through us.
- Oswald Chambers