where have all the snowmen gone?

You snowmen aficionados may now stop defending the snowman as a "winter symbol." They are not and I have extremely reliable research data as proof.

Tonight as I drove across town to pick up a pizza, I deliberately took several twists and turns, looking for snowmen: inflatable or otherwise.

If the snowman is truly a winter symbol, why have they all disappeared from front yards just 8 days after Christmas?

Further, where are the snowmen sweaters? Mugs, towels, plates and candle holders? I hazard a guess that most of the snowman bric-a-brac in stores is now reduced by at least 50%, with an additional senior citizen 15% discount on Wednesdays at Kohl's. Winter's only 11 days old, so why the hasty exit of the snowman if he's a rootin'-tootin' authentic winter symbol?

OK, my neighbor Dove probably still has a snowman flag on her porch, but that doesn't count. We've gone around concerning snowmen for years and she is leaving it out just to spite me.

Let's be honest. Snowmen are the brilliance of retailers to boost their Christmas profits, nothing more. Worse, snowmen have absolutely nothing to do with the real meaning of Christmas. In fact, I maintain that snowmen represent the ultimate, disgusting secularization of Christmas.

The only good snowman is a real one, built after an 8-inch snowfall by kids who have no business staying in the house with their mothers. The bigger the snowman, the better.

While we're at it, let's put the song "Jingle Bells" in its rightful place: also a winter symbol. Go ahead, sing that song. Is Christmas even mentioned?

God sent his son to a dusty desert in the Middle East. We'd do better to hang donkeys, camels and olives on our Christmas trees.

Happy new year!